100 Ways To Murder Boys Who Lived
by dracomalfxy
Summary: Potter, Potter, Potter. All Draco could think about was Harry Potter. Merlin, he could write a book entitled 'a hundred ways to murder boys who-lived'. After impulsively sending a stinging hex at Potter's bum during charms, Draco lands both himself, and Potter in detention. Three nights of detention with your archenemy, how bad could it possibly be?
1. Of Bums and Hexes

Don't really know what this is or why I wrote it, but hopefully you guys will like it!

_All characters belong to the amazing J.K Rowling._

-CHAPTER ONE-

Perfect Potter. Pleasant Potter. Hero of the Wizarding World Potter. Potter, Potter, Potter. Draco turned to Blaise to ask for a quill- he had snapped his own while thinking about Potter,furious, murderous thoughts of course. All that was on his mind nowadays was Harry sodding Potter.

Draco did not like Harry Potter. In fact, did not like was an understatement, he loathed him. So he saved the entire Wizarding World from one dark overlord, big deal. So he was the prized Gryffindor seeker, who cares? Potter and his loyal band of fans. Every nook and cranny, someone was whispering something about the boy who lived. His latest romantic conquest? Boring. His favourite type of cereal? Knew that. Of course, Hogwarts was not immune to this gossiping.

The war had ended, everyone's returned to complete their last year at Hogwarts, to make up for the one lost to the war, and things were certainly not looking up for one Draco Malfoy.

Draco had barely made it past the Ministry, his presence in Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry was nothing short of a miracle. Of course, he was the outcast. You could say he was invisible to all except Pansy, Blaise, Theo and Greg. Oh and let's not forget the almighty Harry Potter. He felt the need to say hi to Draco every time he saw him, trust Potter to make the best out of every situation. What better way to gain popularity points than being nice to the ex-deatheater when no one else would? Who was he kidding, Potter's a shit actor. There was always something else masked behind the façade of friendship, and Draco would bet his last galleon that it was pure, unadulterated hatred.

Draco Malfoy. Disgraced pureblood, shunned by the Wizarding world because of decisions he, clearly did not have a say in, sounds about right. At least now he could sulk as much as he wanted to. He's even had the time to perfect his scowl. Oh look, here comes Potter now, sauntering into the charms classroom, late as usual.

"Sorry Professor, I-"

"Oh no no it's quite alright mister Potter, just take a seat."

Flitwick didn't even bat an eyelid. Classic. Every single professor treated Potter like the wonder boy he was. They'd wipe his arse if he asked. Sometimes, Draco wished Snape was still here, he was the only one who could put Potter in his place.

He slid into the seat in front of Draco, next to the ginger weasel. _Why does he always have to get in my way? _ With a frustrated sigh, Draco directed all his attention to the neglected charms textbook lying open in front of him. Unfortunately, that seemed to get Potter's attention. He turned around with a stupid grin on his face.

"Hey Malfoy, why do you look like you just had twenty of Hagrid's rock cakes?"

_What in Merlin' s name was a rock cake? _

"Incase you didn't notice,"

Wouldn't surprise Draco one bit actually.

"We're having charms right now, and unlike you, some of us actually need to score well on our N.E.W.T.S if we want a place in the world. So I would very much appreciate it if you would turn back around and stop bothering me."

Did Potter actually look hurt? No, His ego was way too inflated to be damaged by one little comment. Besides, it was only the truth.

"_Merlin_ Malfoy, I'm just trying to make conversation. You don't have to act like an arsehole all the time y'know?"

Thankfully,he didn't continue. Potter shrugged his shoulders and turned back around, busying himself with the company of the weasel. Draco let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. There was something about the intense emerald eyes Potter had that bothered him immensely. Couldn't that idiot wear a blindfold around? They were fucking distracting.

_Great. _Now he had no idea what the hell Flitwick was going on about. This was all Potter's fault. Now Draco had to waste another night catching up on Charms when he could have spent it daydreaming about different ways to murder Harry Potter, not that he would of course. Why does he have to ruin everything?

By the next charms lesson on Friday, Draco had come up with a plan. He would ignore all evidence that supported the existence of Potter.

"Settle down class, settle down. Please divide yourself into pairs because we will be practicing the N.E.W.T. level levitation charm I taught you last lesson. Quickly now!"

As usual, Draco was alone. Trust his only friend in the class, Blaise to fall ill on the day they have pair work. It was just his luck.

"Sorry Professor I was caught-"

"It's perfectly fine mister Potter I'm sure you have a plausible reason for being late."

The favoritism made Draco feel sick to the stomach, he should've called in sick together with Blaise.

"Although… you do seem to lack a partner"

Weasel was already paired up with his bucktoothed girlfriend, Granger. He felt bad for whoever's ending up with Potter. And the only person in the room without a partner was-

"Ah splendid! You can work with Mister Malfoy! "

_Oh Merlin,_ he really should've called in sick.


	2. Filius Flitwick is A Great Big Dick

Hey guys! Just thought I'd update again since I've already written it. Thank you so much for reading this, and please feel free to leave reviews! c:

_all characters belong, again, to the amazing J.K Rowling. She is the queen of everything._

-CHAPTER TWO-

Draco glared furiously at the charms professor, but he didn't seem to notice. Potter walked over with his usual stupid grin plastered on his face.

"So, since we're stuck with each other, how about we call it a truce, and not murder each other today Malfoy?"

Draco rolled his eyes and Potter took it as a sign that it was alright to sit down next to him. He was proud of himself for actually keeping peace. But after fifteen minutes of floating pillows and chairs across to each other, Draco was bored. Impulsively, he sent a light stinging hex at Potter's bum. The look on Potter's face was priceless! His full lips forming a perfect O as his green eyes widened in shock. Close to tears, Draco could barely sit up.

It stopped being funny when Potter started hexing him back.

"Mister Malfoy! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

Flitwick boomed out from across the room.

"Sorry Professor. It won't happen again."

"Twenty points from Slytherin. And be prepared for three nights of detention!"

Flitwick glanced at him disapprovingly and turned his attention back to the train wreck that was Longbottom.

Seriously? Draco cursed under his breath and flopped back down onto the lumpy, purple pillow._ Of course_, Perfect Potter got off scot-free while he had to spend three fucking nights copying stupid lines.

"Professor Flitwick I shouldn't have retaliated, it's partly my fault too."

What does Potter think he's doing?

"Oh very well… you will serve detention together with mister Malfoy, mister Potter."

_Certainly_ his day couldn't get any worse. Draco would give anything, maybe even his leg to serve detention alone, or with someone else at least. Hell it could be Longbottom for all he cared, just not Potter.

At 7, Draco made his way to the charms classroom. And of course, goody two shoes Potter was already there copying lines.

"Hey Malfoy."

Draco picked the table the furthest away from him as possible.

"Shut up Potter. This is all your fault."

"My- are you kidding me? You were the one who hexed me!"

"Yeah but that's because you, you- oh forget it."

"No I won't 'forget it' Malfoy, I'm spending a Friday night serving detention when I could be studying!"

"Is it my fault you decided to own up? Flitwick was about to let you off, you dense idiot."

"That's because I- oh shut it Malfoy. Why did you hex me in the first place? "

"I don't know! I was bored alright?"

"Bored? So instead of talking to me like a normal person would have, you decided to hit my arse with a stinging hex?"

"Firstly, I wasn't aiming for your arse,"

_A lie, of course._

"Secondly, what was I going to say? Hey Potter let's start sharing facts about our lives because I'm tired of floating pillows around?"

Potter was standing right in front of him, and the sight of him just made Draco even angrier.

"Well yes?!"

Potter let out an exasperated sigh.

"I've been trying to cut the hostility between us to a bare minimum Malfoy. Couldn't you at least try to put in _some _effort?"

That was what he was trying to do? Be nice? To be friendly? Didn't suit him, not at all.

"Are you suggesting friendship, Potter?"

"Yes! Well no, I don't think we could achieve friendship just yet but we could at least try to be cordial towards one another."

Draco couldn't believe his ears. He had dedicated his entire life to hating Harry Potter, he was getting quite good at it as well. But now his archenemy was standing right in front of him and suggesting a situation where they didn't hate each other? The very idea was absurd. 

"Well... I suppose so, but don't think this is because I _want _your friendship Potter. I'm doing this for you."

A familiar grin broke out onto Potter's face and he started sniggering, the nerve!

"Oh for Merlin's sake Potter, grow up. Not _for _you, you know what I'm talking about you shameless prick."

Draco didn't know what compelled him to agree to the stupid idea, but somehow, he couldn't find it in himself to stay mad.

"So... Why don't we shake on it?"

Potter-Harry extended his hand.

This was it. If Draco took his hand, they would be crossing a line, from enemies to so called 'friends' and he couldn't think about murdering Harry Potter anymore... Well at least not as much…

Draco took his hand and shook it firmly.

If he thought Potter's usual grin was dumb, the one spread over his face right now took the cake. It was a real smile, a genuine one with teeth and all. He felt like there were two hundred golden snitches flying around inside him, surely a trip to the Hospital Wing was in order?

"Malfoy? You alright? I haven't poisoned you with my friendship have I?"

Draco realized he was still holding onto Potter's hand, they fit quite nicely actually… disturbed by the thought, Draco let go abruptly and hastily wiped his clammy hand on his robe.

"Just wondering what I've gotten myself into, that's all."

The worried expression was replaced by the ridiculous grin. Did he _have_ to look so damn happy all the time? Sometimes it was as if like Harry Potter's sole purpose in life was to distract Draco.

Just as Draco took out his quill and parchment, a sharp crack alarmed him. Turning around, he was greeted with the splendid sight of Harry, on all fours, splayed out on the floor with a broken bottle of ink lying in front of him. Draco naturally, was on the verge of tears.

"Had a nice trip, Potter?"

"Oh stuff it Malfoy. I was just trying to be a good friend and provide you with some company, now come and help me up!"

"Will this new found friendship require me to come to your assistance at every beck and call?"

Draco wasn't going to give in _this_ easily. Besides, the thought of Potter on the floor was actually quite appealing. What the hell was he thinking about ? Potter must have infected him with some sort of disease!

"Malfoy please? At least help me with cleaning this up!"

Did the almighty Harry Potter just beg for Draco's help? Was he _pouting_? Potter had pretty lips. And pretty eyes. And a pretty- Oh for Merlin's sake! What did he pass to him? If Draco is found foaming at the mouth and twitching, it'll definitely be the fault of Potter.

After a quick _Scourgify_, he helped poor, helpless Potter to his feet.

"Why'd you trip anyways?"

"Neville left his bag on the ground. This information might have helped when we searched the common room top to bottom for it."

"No one escapes the wrath of Longbottom's forgetfulness."

He sympathized with Potter. Merlin knew how difficult it must be to share a room with bloody Longbottom. Potter plonked himself down onto the chair next to Draco's.

"Can I borrow a quill? I sat on mine"

Great. Draco handed over what he considered to be his least favourite quill.

"Can I borrow a piece of parchment? I tore mine."

Grudgingly, Draco handed over his last piece of parchment. Potter prodded his shoulder.

"Malfoy."

Doing his best to ignore Potter, Draco busied himself with copying the line; ' _I will not send stinging hexes at my fellow classmate_.'

"Malfoy, hey Malfoy."

_Merlin's hairy ballsack_, was Potter always this annoying?

"MALFOY"

"What the hell do you want now?!"

"Can I share your ink? I spilled mine."

Potter had the nerve to look sheepish! Dragging out a sigh, Draco pushed his bottle of green ink towards Potter. This was going to be a long night, he could tell.

The more Draco thought about it, the weirder the concept seemed. Friends with Harry freaking Potter…What had he gotten himself into?


	3. Harry's Epiphanies

Author's note: HEY GUYS. I am so so so sorry for not updating, I've been having exams ugh. I know this chapter is extremely short, and I'm really sorry about that as well. But I promise, once all my exams are over, (In a couple of days I imagine) I'll update way more frequently, and with much longer chapters! Thanks for reading this, feel free to review it c:! (I PROMISE I'LL WRITE MORE REAL SOON)

_All characters belong to the queen of fiction, J.K. Rowling._

An hour in, and no murders of any sort yet. The Malfoy-Potter friendship was off to a good start Harry decided, none of his limbs were missing at all, not even slightly severed! Malfoy was copying the lines with such vigor; his hair was falling into his eyes. Malfoy did have such lovely hair… all shimmery and silver in the dimly lit room.

"Hey Malfoy?"

"Potter if you're asking for any more of my stationery I _will _hex you. "

"I was just wondering what shampoo you used, that's all."

"What shampoo I- Potter, has that fall thrown you completely off your rocker? Should I call for Pomfrey?"

"Oh shut up you insufferable git. I just wanted to know how you make it all shiny."

"It's called conditioner Potter. You've probably never heard of it by the looks of it. I mean it must be so hard to maintain that 'just got out of bed' thing you've got going on all day."

Harry jabbed him in the ribs.

"Hey! What the hell was that for?"

"Insulting my beautiful locks of hair."

"You're an idiot."

"Takes one to know one."

There was, an actual smile on Malfoy's face! He actually had the capability to do that!

"Why are you looking at me like that Potter, Do I have ink on my face?"

"It's nothing, I just didn't know you knew what a smile was."

"What do you take me for? Some kind of emotionless puppet?"

"Well the thought had crossed my mind before…"

Now it was Harry's turn to be jabbed in the rib. Malfoy's elbows were pointy as fuck. He weighed his options, to continue copying lines, or to exact revenge? Malfoy was looking rather pleased with himself…

"Potter- Oh for Merlin's sake what the hell? GET OFF ME YOU BASTARD."

Harry learnt a lot about Malfoy in the next few seconds. For example, he was extremely ticklish, and he also looked extremely attractive tackled to the ground, namely, under Harry. Harry had no qualms about his sexuality, he sort of figured out he was gay when the thought of doing anything further than kissing with Ginny gave him shivers, and not even the good kind. Of course, she was extremely upset about his sudden revelation, but a trip to Hogsmeade with Dean Thomas fixed _that_ issue. His friends accepted him immediately; they welcomed his new found sexuality with warm, open arms. It was a little awkward with Ron at first, finding out his best friend wasn't going to marry his sister, but maybe one of his brothers (not that it would ever happen. Not in a million years.). But as usual, Hermione talked him through (more of reprimanded really). An increasing number of epiphanies were had over the past few months; his sexuality, his career path, and his growing attraction to a certain blonde. It started out as merely an observation, of how attractive Malfoy's bone structure was, then of his stormy grey eyes. Harry found himself dreaming of those eyes, with their owner on top of the Gryffindor red sheets, looking up at him intently. Of course, this would get him all hot and bothered, resulting in secret midnight wanking sessions.

"Potter if you don't get off me in five seconds, I'll stick your wand up your arse. "

Biting back a lewd retort, Harry stood up reluctantly. Malfoy huffed indignantly.

"Great. Now look at what you've done to my robes? They've got white stuff all over them! You owe me a set of clean robes you wanker."

Harry tried so hard, so, so hard not to comment on that statement. It must've shown on his face, because a look of pure horror passed Malfoy's.

"Oh Merlin you're disgusting. Is everything an innuendo to you?"

"You tell me."

"Stop wiggling your eyebrows Potter it's disturbing."

"Are you sure? They say I'm more charming than a veela."

"Well aren't you a cocky bastard? Surely you've been mistaken."

Hey, if he was going to harbor a secret crush for his arch nemesis, he should at least be able to have some fun with it. Maybe this unexpected alliance wouldn't turn out so bad after all...The banter went on for quite a while, the quills and parchments long forgotten in the heat of the moment. This resulted in two more nights of detention of course, but Harry couldn't find it in himself to care. Four more nights of Malfoy... An interesting week was up ahead, no doubt.


End file.
